Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

“Siddhartha! I thought I told you to mow the lawn!”

“Ohm… Ohm… Ohm…”

“Siddhartha!”

“Wha…? What?! Phyllis, I told you I was meditating!”

“What meditating? You were sleeping under that damn Bo tree again! I told you to mow the lawn!”

“Phyllis, my Angel of the Dawn, I was seeking an inner path to enlightenment!”

“Enlightenment my ass - you were taking another nap!”

“Honey, someday my meditations will be the foundation of the greatest religion the world has ever known!”

“Yeah, and some carpenter’s son will become King of the Jews - just mow the lawn, will you? My mother is coming over for a week or two and I want the place to look nice.”

[muttered] “My mother is coming over for a week or two… some carpenter’s son… I can’t work towards enlightenment while the steady breeze from her shrieking mouth batters at my peaceful contemplation. I yearn for a state of no wind… nirvana… Hey, that’s catchy. Nirvana - no wind. I should write that down… first, I’ll just shut my eyes for a moment…”

“Ohm… Ohm…”

“SIDDHARTHA!!!”

Josh I’m pretty sure i left my chompchompdead t-shirt on your bed after the hot tub last weekend. Hopefully it’s dry by now. Sorry about that, you spent a lot of time trying to find me a ladies size in that giant box full of big-ass shirts.

More than 3,700 people have been classified as ‘Terminally Stupid’ in Alberta alone. These people routinely vote conservative, watch ‘CSI’ or buy Bose Hi-Fi equipment. But thanks to a radical surgical technique being pioneered by Dr Ablepsia Smallpox, the Organ Donation and Transplant Association of Canada is now able to offer these people a second chance.

It is common knowledge that the average individual only uses 10% of his brain and obviously the figure for women is considerably less. The operation takes advantage of a small proportion of this excess brain matter, extracting it from the donor by a vacuum tube inserted into the nostril. The brain matter is then processed using an array of very impressive looking scientific equipment, and injected into the thoracic region of the spine.

Early recipients have shown promising results, their conservative voting behaviour being down as much as 35%. Critics of Dr Smallpox have attributed this to there not actually having been an election, but he defends his work. “It’s not just the voting behaviour that has improved, apart from the uncontrollable drooling and total loss of motor function my patients are showing every sign of improvement. Not one of them has tried to buy a single piece of Bose Hi-Fi equipment, or do anything else that might be considered indicative of low intelligence.”

The school it is closed now
There’s nary a squeak from
The chalkboard my teacher
Would wipe with my face.
I turned to computers
For edjimication
The Big U of Google
Proceeds at my pace.

Today Alberta Premier, Ed Stelmach, announced plans to extend GST to the sale of Marxism and other political ideologies, despite claims that it will threaten the livelihood of hundreds of sellers in Edmonton and Calgary.

Milton Solidarity, a resident of White Avenue has been a street vendor of Marxism for over a decade. “I do the posters, the pamphlets, the pens and stickers. The stickers are really good, this one says orga-nike-sed crime, it tells you that Nike are committing crimes and that they are organised, it’s very clever really. The government obviously wants to take this away from me, well I say no way.”

A man dressed in a Richard Dawkins wig objected that many Christians had been using churches and other religious buildings to sell God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost to thousands of consumers every weekend. “Why aren’t these people being taxed too?” He cackled, I’ll tell you, “It’s because god doesn’t exist, they made him up you smelly shits.”

Stelmach went on the record to deny the non existence of god and simply commented that it wouldn’t be in his supporters interests to tax God. He commented that “Research indicates that most Alberta voters are either uneducated hicks or false identities created by the oil industry, and I just don’t see how extending this tax to God would benefit me. We are looking into that other religion though, you know the one all those dirty foreigners like.”

When summer arrives so suddenly I always fondly remember my brief stint as a goth. I was 13. It was March. I had just run away from home. I was listening to Sisters of Mercy on an old ghetto blaster under a bridge and I figured I had about 6 hours left on the batteries. A group of older kids dressed in black wandered up and opened a bottle of lemon gin. They gave me a swig. We started talking. I was cold. One of them gave me his long black coat. It smelled like cat piss. I went with them to a trailer and we smoked Rothmans until the ghetto blaster died. That was the start of it.

The end of it came when my parents let me back in the house and agreed to pay for tennis lessons. I ran into my friends on my way to the court one Saturday morning in 7-11. They were buying licorice. I was buying Gatorade. I was in white shorts and had a blue mountain bike. They hissed at me and one girl actually moved her bangs aside to get a good look. Then they melted. It was really hot. My backhand has never been as good as it was that summer and I dropped the ghetto blaster off a six-story building, a la Letterman. It still had the Sisters of Mercy tape in it.

Back in the 1970s, a couple of blokes were sitting in an English pub, bemoaning the consolidation of the brewing industry in England and the decline of British beer and ale. A commodity that represented the soul of Britain had been replaced by the insipid canned beers of a few large breweries. What was needed, they decided, was a return to tradition. They launched A Campaign for Real Ale, which soon became the force that turned back the mega-brewers and reinstated varied and delicious ales to English tables and pubs.

Only a few hundred years ago, you could seek the same kind of individual care in your medical treatment. Skilled phlebotomists had almost 2,000 years of experience, and they were simply eliminated by the modern, corporate medical system. This system has resulted in mood disorders, superbugs, two-tiered medical care and the widespread abuse of antidepressants. Drug companies are phenomenally wealthy and make up new disorders to cure every day. What went wrong?

Isn’t it time we said no to the multinational pharmaceutical corporations? Isn’t it time we returned to a time when your local barber-surgeon could simply breathe a vein in order to cure everything from acne to tuberculosis? My best friend’s cousin had a niece whose classmate had smallpox, and bloodletting cured her!

It is up to you to demand the treatment you deserve! Build a relationship with a physician who understands your four humors and trust him to accurately place freshwater and marine leeches to maximum benefit. Join the Campaign for Bloodletting at www.leeches4me.ca. And finally, speak out against the dictatorial agenda of the medical, scientific and law enforcement communities that prevent people from choosing the care that they irrationally believe should work, without examining any of the facts themselves.

I’ve just been informed that we used the wrong picture. Ah, well - same difference.

I live in Edmonton. Here Wayne Gretzky is a folk hero. For helping to lead up to 4 NHL championships in 5 years, there is a lot of love here for him. A while back, there was a newspaper contest for kids to write 5 questions that would be asked of Wayne when he was in town for a coming event. As a fan, I had to enter…I needed to fib a bit about my age, but a little fraud never hurt anyone, did it?

Here are my questions.

1. Back in the early 1990’s, You, Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson were on a cartoon called Prostars. It was primarily created to sell breakfast cereal while giving face time for athletes representing the four majors sports in America, Basketball (Jordan), Football and Baseball (two-sport superstar Jackson) and Hockey (yourself). If Bo or Mike called you saying wanted to do a reunion to fight some crime, one last time, would you do it?

2. In one episode of Prostars, I remember that some dudes stole the Stanley cup and you went on a mission to recover it. What were they planning on doing with it anyways? It’ not like they could sell it at a pawn shop or anything.

3. During the theme song for Prostars, the singer has a line where he says “Wayne’s hot, slap shot!”, however at the time, it shows you scoring on the Winnipeg Jets with a backhand shot, not a slapper. Why is this? Shouldn’t it have been something like “Wayne’s grand back hand”? Also, did you guys live in those lockers? Where did you put your stuff?

4. Speaking of the “Wayne’s hot, slap shot!” line…when people think of you, would you rather have them fondly remember the 61 league records you broke, or your storied hotness?

5. With the Prostars, everyone on the team had a specialty. Bo was the brawn, Michael was the brains and you were always hungry. However now you are retired, things seem to have changed. Whether you are endorsing a product, conducting an interview or coaching the Phoenix Coyotes, I barely ever see you chowing down on a mountain of burgers. Do you just not need as many carbs when you are not fighting crime, or are you on a diet or something?

Thank you, Mr. Gretzky

Brent Thompson
Age 8

Click here to check out the awesome Prostars opening credits!

In a move widely lauded by Wall Street analysts, Microsoft has today been awarded US Patent # 45,222,987 for “A device, methodology, and communications medium compromising a set of markings commonly referred to as the Latin Alphabet”.  In the public domain since the 7th century BC, the original 23 letters of the Latin Alphabet (along with its three later additions) have come to permeate western society in recent millennia, used to communicate such written concepts as tax forms and baby food labeling.  With Microsoft now in firm control of its rightful use, the software giant is poised to establish another unearned monopoly using a rather ordinary product.

CEO Steve Ballmer was dismissive of any suggestions that this new patent was grossly overbearing, and would end up miring society in incalculable disarray.  “Do you know who we employ here?” asked Ballmer.  “Developers developers developers developers, developers developers developers developers, WOOOO WOWOOO WOOOOOO YAAAAAAA WOOOO WOOOO YAAAAAAAAA   AAAAAAAAAAA!”  His spokesperson later clarified his comments, saying that because Microsoft developers encode their software using the letters of the alphabet, they assumed that they were the ones who invented it, and wanted to cash in on its confusingly ubiquitous presence in general society.

“Bill Gates uses the alphabet all the time,” explains Ray Ozzie, Chief Software Architect, “and he forgets when he started using it.  It’s a safe bet that he probably invented it at some point while trying to explain his thoughts to his subordinates, who couldn’t understand his messianic gestures or psychic dialog.”

It is unclear how Microsoft intends to enforce the patent — they may choose to pursue individual litigation, enslave certain island nations that no one cares about, or simply proclaim that the entire world is licensing their technology and seize national treasuries.

Industry expert Franca Lingua of the University of Rotterdam expects there to be a world wide backlash against the patent, but could not transmit his thoughts over email without using letters, and resorted to using various permutations of symbols and punctuation to describe how he felt: “*#({{{{{,” he said, “~~~~|//\\+!”  The AP has assumed that this means he is either unhappy with the legal decision, or is pregnant with a dinosaur.