Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

All over the world, fans of the legendary comic Dane Cook are ecstatic upon the comic’s newest release – a six and a half hour set of falling down and screaming.

“Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? EVERYBODY’S DONE THIS!” screams Cook in a clip from the album, moments before letting out a screech that lasts nearly eight minutes. The screech was followed by five seconds of scattered laughter, then twelve minutes of cheers and whistles.

Another clip from the album shows Dane’s more serious side, as he explores the controversy over the war in Iraq.

“Y’ever, y’ever see army guys in the news? They’re ALWAYS doing this!” Cook bellowed out to a crowd of some 20,000 prepubescent boys and girls. Thunderous laughter was heard for roughly twenty minutes while Cook did inaudible flails and twitching, which apparently all army guys do.

Thousands of fans had set up campgrounds in front of local HMVs, desperate to be the first to hear Dane’s newest take on the controversial topics of screaming, shouting, flailing, and things you always do. Twelve year old Melissa Edwards, self proclaimed ‘Daneaphile’ and ‘future wife of the hottest comic EVER’, had been camping in front of the store for nearly nine days.

“Like, Dane is the funniest guy I’ve ever SEEN! You totally have to SEE his act!” Melissa screamed, oblivious that you can’t ‘see’ audio tracks on the CD she was about to buy. Melissa was about to perform another ‘walk by’ in front of a local cluster of boys when she suddenly realized that our cameras weren’t outdated cell phones.

“Am I going to be on TV? Is this on TV? OH MY GOD! I NEED TO CALL CHELSEA!”

Melissa pulled out her cell phone and dove into her tent, where cries of “Chels? Chels? Chels? O’m’God! Chels?” were heard for the next several hours.

When asked if he cared that most of the western world considers him a gigantic tool, Dane Cook laughed obnoxiously and threw himself against the wall several times.

“Who cares if I’m a tool?” yelled Cook, kicking over a table and walking around the room with his knees locked together. “Tools are useful, that’s why we have them! I don’t care about the haters! I’m pretty happy with my success!” Cook leered around the room, looking quite pleased that his shrieking had managed to attract a sizeable crowd of girls. “All these girls will be ladies one day, so it’s all good! Where are YOUR ladies? Huh? I don’t see any ladies around YOU! Gaylord!”

Dane then leaned his head back and made the sound of a motorboat, causing half the girls in the room to swoon and pass out from excitement.