Dear Mr. Bush,

May 16, 2008

I’d just like to formally welcome you back to the spotlight, which you’ve managed with your usual aplomb, although you’re looking a little more weathered. You’ve aged G-Bus (if I may revive a nickname from your days in the early hip-hop scene, which reminds me that you rhyme less than you used to) and I wonder if you’re getting your vitamin D.

Public opinion appears to be fairly firmly resolved on your time in office, and with so much attention on Slicky and DJ Hil duking it out for the helm of the Democratic Party, there hasn’t been much space for you on A1, has there? My friends and I have been kind of wondering what you’ve been up to, whether you’ve seen “Ironman,” and whether you think it holds any lessons that might guide foreign policy or simply shape one’s individual sense of justice.

So, back at it, with a visit to the Holy Land and a speech that has provided a lot of fodder for political hermeneuticians. You said that “some seem to believe that we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals.” Everyone seems to think this means Obama. Is it true? Are your accusations in personal life always so poorly veiled? At a family dinner: “some appear to think that I should wash my feet before coming to bed and stop the terrible chew habit…” You mentioned that we have heard this “foolish delusion” before, citing the 1939 crossing into Poland of Nazi tanks. Bravo! You pronounced all the unfamiliar words there correctly, and didn’t say the year like a telephone number.

Oh, if only. If only the Allies had had your foresight and your holster, our generation in Canada would have a lot more great uncles.

Iran. Inserting a space between the first and second letters there might be a fitting title for the chapter in your biography that outlines your post-presidency. I haven’t heard any debate about potential locations for your presidential library. No, because your copy of “The Little Engine That Could” has a lot of pages stuck together and would be better kept under the wonky leg of your kitchen table.

Your likely successor as Republican honcho took the whole thing a step further when he said “I think it’s very clear who Hamas wants to be the next president of the United States.” It can’t be that easy guys. You’re going to have to bust some more impressive moves than that. Maybe I could put your name in the same sentence as Darth Vader, step back and wait for the seismic activity in the polls. The lowest common denominator might just not be that low. Don’t worry, don’t worry… it’s a common metaphor… this isn’t a math quiz.

Though studying fractions might be a worthwhile pursuit beginning in about two-thirds of a year’s time. Until then, we’ll all just have to wait.

Gushingly,

JPB

Do you like this article? -->

Chomp It

20 Chomps