Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

Hey, I’m as green as the next chump, and I know that reducing my carbon footprint is about more than buying smaller boots. I don’t snort powdered coal anymore. How about that. Actually, I always dreamed about having enough money to enlarge my carbon footprint. I’ve given up on that. It’ll never happen. So instead I’ve decided that this whole thing deserves my commitment. And it’s not just because I like polar bears. In fact I hate polar bears. I hate polar bears about as much as I hate pandas. Don’t get me started on that.

I don’t mean to be boastful, but I’ve extended my consideration to other elements beyond carbon.

I started by reducing my helium footprint. Birthday parties are still a gas, so to speak. And it’s probably better that I don’t do the squeaky voice trick. Polynomials have become progressively harder. I moved on. Inspired by that lights out for an hour event, I have taken to holding my breath for one minute, three times a day. By my calculations, if everyone did this we would reduce our oxygen footprint by 1/480. That may seem insignificant, but it means that we could cut down approximately 3 million more hectares a year of forest for a balanced equation.

In an effort to use less sulphur (gunpowder, fertilizer, batteries) I only shoot large birds, I shit in my own garden, and I gave up my digital camera. I use less chlorine by refusing to drink from the tap. At first I drank bottled water, but then someone told me that I was contributing to the commidification of water. I didn’t know what footprint that was related to, but it sounded pretty repulsive, so now I only drink from the creek out by my garden.

I have smashed countless neon signs in an effort to liberate that precious gas. I now endure cuts without using iodine, and even risk goiter by using non-iodized salt. To reduce my fluorine footprint I don’t use a refrigerator, and I brushed my teeth just with baking soda, until I realized that was enlarging my sodium footprint, so now I don’t brush my teeth at all.

I am quite proud to say that I use absolutely zero plutonium, since I’ve given up on my nuclear ambitions and don’t wear a pacemaker.

I encourage you all to shrink your footprints and invite comments about how you’re going about it. And don’t tell me you’ve managed to eliminate rutherfordium from your life. It has no known uses.