After a hundred years of being banned in every civilized nation on the planet, the Green Fairy has managed to make a comeback in a half empty bottle in nearly every teenagers liquor stash. I visited the room of Tyler McAndrews, a young man who
informed me that he managed to pull some strings and find a source for the forbidden drink, which is widely available in every liquor store in the country.
“Have a seat!” Tyler said, gesturing towards his unmade bed. “Let me grab the shit, it’s in my wet bar in the closet. Hang on a sec!”
Tyler rooted through several imaginary bottles of alcohol before emerging with the only thing he actually had: half a bottle of absinthe.
“This shit will FUCK you up!” Tyler says while shooting his hands around obnoxiously, putting some Linkin Park on to set the mood. “It gets you high AND drunk at the same time! Get fucking ready!”
Tyler made a very theatrical display of opening the bottle, as if he was handling the most dangerous compounds known to man. After a generous amount of absinthe was in each of our noticeably dirty coffee mugs, Tyler pulled a couple of forks and sugar cubes out from underneath his bed.
“Man, ALL those French artists used to do this shit!” remarks Tyler while setting his sugar cube on his fork and dipping it into his drink, oblivious that the flaming sugar cube ritual was a marketing gimmick invented somewhere around 1995. “Isn’t it awesome that we’re doing what the most famous artists ever used to do? Dammit, I wish I had some PAINT!”
I informed Tyler that famous artists also take a dump much the same way he does every day, but all of his attention was focused on his now burning sugar cube, which was starting to smell very badly.
“Now, drop the cube into the absinthe and stir!” Tyler said while stirring up a storm in his Dilbert mug. “Mix it all together and slam it!”
No amount of mixing would blend the caramelized sugar into the blue-green mixture, so I drank it as quickly as possible. The absinthe had a bouquet of inner tubes and ear medicine, and went down as smoothly as an angry cat. Tyler’s eyes quickly welled up with tears; I imagine the grimace on his face was a carbon copy of mine.
“Dude, don’t worry! It’s fucking WORTH it! We’re going to get so fucked up! It’s like being drunk, but a “different” sort of drunk! Hells yes! Hang on!”
A few minutes passed, and the aftertaste of Old Spice soon dissipated from my mouth. A sudden wash of relaxation came upon me, similar to the effects of downing a large shot of 150 proof alcohol.
“Do you feel it yet? Are you feeling it?” Tyler mumbled while acting like reality was dissolving around him. “Holy shit, I’m tripping BALLS!”
Tyler grabbed a Staind CD off of his desk, and seemed momentarily mesmerized by the cover art. He then turned his attention towards his Guitar Hero controller, which he began trying to play like a violin for some reason.
“I fucking…” Tyler mumbled, suddenly looking very frightened, “I fucking see her! THE FUCKING GREEN FAIRY! She’s right THERE!”
Tyler pointed at his Math 36 textbook before collapsing to the ground, rolling around and breaking several of his Xbox games. I watched Tyler thrash around for ten minutes, muttering things such as “my brains are bleeding”, “I’ve got an assignment that’s due” and “can you get my mom, please?” I grabbed my coat and left, the young man still reeling in his imaginary mind prison as I left.
Tyler informed me that although he was grounded and suffered a hangover the next day, it was definitely a “different” sort of hangover.
However, the grounding was still fairly standard.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
heh, Math 36