Every year in May, the “Monster Daze” amateur monster truck tour makes it’s way back to Thomasville, Georgia. And every year, the “Custard Bowl” is filled beyond legal capacity with action hungry fans, eager to cheer on their old favourites, and to check out the new up and comers. Large or small, every truck here has a loyal legion of fans. However, this year, there is one truck that fans just can’t seem to get behind.
“Gay Marriage” is owned and operated by not yet husband and husband team: Stu Jergins and Bruce DeValvie. Stu’s the driver and Bruce is the mechanic. “I guess you could say, I’m the bottom and he’s on top,” jokes Bruce.
“Yes indeedy,” Stu boasts, “We’re all about crushing cars and breaking hearts! It’s just so much dag gum fun.”
Yep, those two love birds sure are a lot of fun, but unfortunately that “fun” hasn’t been very contagious on this year’s circuit. People here in the south don’t take kindly to men taken kindly to other men. “Now that shit just ain’t right,” claims one monster truck fan. “God don’t want no fagots in His monster trucks. Monster trucks is manly and cool and extreme and shit. No fairy fagot can hold a candle to ‘The Bitch Strangler’ or ‘Sister Fister’.”
As hard as he was to understand, we think this fan made a point, does “Gay Marriage” have what it takes to compete with the likes of crowd favourite “The Bitch Strangler”? We caught up with “Monster Daze” champion and long time driver of “The Bitch Strangler,” Roy Makelroy.
“So, Roy” I ask, “Gay Marriage, what do you think?”
“Gay Marriage is wrong,” Roy decrees. “We don’t need these stool pushers pedaling their political gay rights bull spit around here, this is god’s country. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
“Right” I return, “good one, but I think our readers would rather know what you think about the competition, what are Gay Marriage’s chances?”
“Real bad while I’m around,” breathes Roy, rage building. “Fuck this, I got some fagots to spank…beat.. ah hell this interview’s over!”
Well, it certainly seems like “Gay Marriage” in in a heap of trouble. The big show is just moments away, lets see how our boys do shall we?
Welcome folks to our main event. Our first match up of the evening is Gay Marriage vs….. The Bitch Strangler! Gentlemen, take you places. Is everybody ready!?! On your marks, get set, GO!
And they’re off, both trucks launching off the first jump and landing with ease. Twenty cars are crushed by each, then they round the first turn to the second jump. “Bitch Strangler hits his jump first followed closely by “Gay Marriage.” What’s this? OH NO! It seems “Gay Marriage” has jumped the track and landed right on “The Bitch Stangler’s” back. Good Lord almighty folks, it looks like old Roy’s being mounted from the rear.
“Yoo-hoo, I got you,” shouts Bruce.
“You shut your mouth homo,” Screams Roy. “Get your rainbow, unicorn, fairy fagot, truck off mine right now!”
“Whoopsys, looks like I broke an oil line Roy,” taunts Bruce. “I’m lubing you up real good.”
Alright lady’s and gentlemen, we’re gonna cover this shit up with a big tarp as soon as we can, why don’t ya’ll go get yourselves a nice godly heterosexual snack, like a nice corn dog, or a popsicle. We’ll call you back soon as the damnation’s done with.
Well, there you have it folks. It looks like that about wraps it up for “Gay Marriage” tonight. Taken out in the first race. Some might consider that a bad run, but not Bruce and Stu. I’m sure they’re celebrating their little victory right now. Gross.
