Ever had plain yogourt? I haven’t, but if you have you’re probably really old, or an oblivious hermit. Why eat plain anything anymore when you can have so many enrichments and fortifications in all of your favorite foods. Calcium fortified orange juice gives you horrible heartburn and tastes like someone dropped butt loads of chalk in it. Who cares hippie!? It’s got calcium! New super enriched wonder bread turns every sandwich into a graphing calculator. They’re called logarithms grandma, look it up!
“If you eat plain, you are lame.” Thats the slogan of this brave new world and no other product better exemplifies that than yogourt. First it was fruit on the bottom. Then, the fruit got stirred in. Then there was Danon Danino with DHA. It’s a fatty acid found in some magical cave dwelling fish that turns children’s hair white and gives them extra sensory perception and telekinesis. That’s all well and good, but danino is kids stuff. How can today’s super yogourts help me.
Probiotics! You need probiotics. If you don’t have probiotics in your yogourt, throw it away. What a waste! Probiotics make you poop instantly, which as adults, we need. Television tells us that adults have a lot of trouble pooping, and the only cure is probiotics. What about prebiotics? Yeah, thats another good word that makes the yogourts that have it, better than yours. Yep, probiotics, and prebiotics. You must have both, but does this combination alone really make it the best yogourt science can provide? Incredibly, not anymore.
Tonight, at a press conference in Cosmellerchoichzeniagovitz, Switzerland’s capital, Yoplait will introduce it’s latest creation. Yoplaidium Extreme. New Yoplaidium Extreme has: stirred in exotic fruits, DHA for the kids, probiotics, prebiotics, shmeeshmiotics, and gunggadin. All great things, but that’s not all. New Yoplaidium Extreme has something even better, something truly amazing. The new, extremely volatile alloy for which it’s named. Yopladium.
Yoplaidium is the newest and greatest substance ever created by man to be ingested though yogourt. It’s a super strong alloy that coats the bone and soft tissue cells, making every person who eats it invincible. It not only makes you super strong, but it’s hyper technological robotic microbes will make you live forever. It kills virus’, and bacteria, and it rapes the signs of aging.
I was given a free sample before the release, which I ate this morning and let me tell you, I feel great. I was doing yard work outside today with my shirt off, my skin was glowing, and I looked hugely ripped. I mowed the lawn with my teeth and pulled out two large trees with my bare hands. Then I punch tilled the soil in my garden, and stared down the plants seedlings until they grew large, and strong, and produced fruit. Can your yogourt do that? LIAR!
Eventually yogourt will be all humans need, to live and thrive, rocketing us up the evolutionary latter. All activities, leisure, or otherwise will be replaced by eating yogourt. Yogourt will become currency and the most evolved of us will start to be able to produce their own yogourt using energy from the sun. This process will be called yogursynthesis. History itself will be measured by the rise of the new yogourt. Tonight, at the press conference, we will all witness the dawn of a new mankind. Thanks to the wonderful people at yoplait.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Have we all become old men suddenly or do we actually have good reason for being this bloody cynical about… well… everything invented after 1970?
May 10th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Proper Grammar, punctuation and spelling made this article both easy and enjoyable to read.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Uh - it’s funny? (At least, we hope so…)