Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

Aries: With Mars in transit over Venus’ ass you have an unusually high chance of contracting something nasty down below. Don’t go nowhere with no one unless his duck is rubber. But it’s a good day for meatballs.

Taurus: Surprise your sleeping partner with an anal ramming. She’ll love it, trust me.

Gemini: Saturn is passing over Tim Horton’s headquarters, so there may be trouble on the work front. Don’t fuck your coworkers.

Cancer: Refuse fondue invitations. They are a lure.

Leo: You may feel angry today. Tell every third person, and every second duck, to fuck off.

Virgo: Your contribution to society is marginal. Consider suicide, and avoid Tater-Tots.

Libra: So horny… so horny… so horny. Love me loooong time.

Scorpio: A good day for a fondue party. Invite 10 people. 1 might want it the way you give it. Don’t serve Sprite.

Sagittarius: Yes.

Capricorn: Someone died for your sins, but it wasn’t Christ. Maybe it was Heston, or Spinoza, or Engels, or the original voice of Papa Smurf, but it wasn’t Christ. Get off your fat fucking ass today but stay away from the twirly slide.

Aquarius: If the itching is getting worse, see a doctor. If the itching is about the same, watch a Molly Ringwald movie. If the itching has improved, call Aries.

Pisces: Red Hot Video will call to tell you that “No Cunt Please For Old Men” is overdue. Hurry up and watch it one more time. Ignore calls from Libras.

Dear Galactus, devourer of worlds,

How are you? I am fine. I just hope you are too. I’m worried about you. I recently purchased a collectable lead figure of yourself and I found something very alarming.

Galactus has no ass!

Are you not eating properly? Have you stopped feasting on the lifeforce of inhabited planets? What’s up, man?

I don’t think you’ve stopped feasting on billions of innocent life forms because you need their energy to survive…so, is there something you are hiding? If there is, it’s ok. You can talk to me, i’m cool with it. Heck, my sister even had bulimia before, so I understand what you are going through…I’m just concerned about your health, G.

It’s ok to admit you have an eating disorder.

When I was a little girl, my mom always told me to eat my vegetables so that I could grow up big and strong like you, the scourge of the universe. Listen to my mom, dude, she’s a smart lady. Binging and purging is not healthy, you need a balanced diet - people, mountains, cities, oceans, etc…remember the food pyramid and how important it is! But, it only counts if you digest the food.

I fondly recall the day when your glorious rump would block out the sun! People would scream, not only because you planned to eat them and their world, but also because they were whipped into a frenzy at the sight of your hot, celestial booty! Galactus, you needs some more junk in yo’ trunk…ladies don’t dig cosmic entities with flat butts, when was the last time you had a date, anyways?

You are wasting away to nothing, and someone had to say something…No one is going to tremble in fear at a 96 pound waif in a purple costume, and that is where you are heading. Also, eating an entire civilization, only to vomit them up behind a gas giant when you think no one is looking is kinda wasteful.

Love,

Brent

I took a Cialis today, to see what all the fuss is about. Now I have a boner. Cialis gives you a boner, but that’s all. No arousal, no desire to mate, just a boner. I’ve always considered it unlawful to waste a good boner, so what am I to do with it? Masturbate you say? What am I, descended from apes? Sex? No, my wife is at work and my cat’s vagina is too small. So, it’s time to think outside the box here, pun intended, and really open new veins of thought on using the boner.

How about cookies? I used my boner as a spatula to mix together the batter of my favourite cookies. Now that they’re baked and ready, I’m going to freeze them for when I have an enemy over for dinner. Imagine the look on their faces when they find out it’s a boner cookie. Perfection.

Baking was great, but my boner remains. What to do? A puppet show is an obvious choice, but I’m trying to pioneer here. How about hunting? That’s perfect. There are some gophers in the park out back. Maybe I can use my boner to knock them dead and penis me up some good eat’n. Alright, I’m pants-less in the park, boner in hand. Maybe i should duck behind something. That bush will be perfect. Good cover. I can see their holes from here. Hmm, no signs of life yet. I see a kid up past the next few trees, maybe he can tell me if these hole are abandoned. ” Hey, kid!” I yell, still naked, holding my boner. “Have you seen any of these little guys today?”

“Gross, mister!” he screams.

“No!” I yelled, ” I meant the gophers,” but it was too late. Dammit. Maybe hunting isn’t such a good idea. Alright, lets really think here… Arts and crafts!

I love painting, so, I’m sure I’ll love boner painting even more. Ok, let’s get out supplies boner! Hmm, not enough light here. Let’s paint in the living room, we can open the windows. Good, this is perfect, now for some colours. Shit, the blue is empty. Fuck, the green is too. Poop, the yellow is all gone. Balls, this is just a primary color kit. Well, if all I have is red, all I have is red. It’ll be a monochromatic masterpiece then won’t it boner? Ooh, paint’s a little cold on my boner. Hey, not bad, it’s pretty easy to get in there. This is looking good. More paint.

There we have it. Pretty good. Shit, someone’s coming in the house. Oh, crap it’s my wife. Um, there’s no sink in here. Ah, um, hmm where’s the cat? The cat. I’ll wipe my boner on the cat.

“Yes, it’s working,” I say to myself out loud.

“What’s working? OH GOD!” my wife screams, “What the fuck, is that blood? Our cat! Nathan! What the fuck?”

She’s right. What the fuck? I still have my boner. “Wanna have sex?” I asked politely, but she is already calling some three digit number. Aw, crap.

Cialis is a wonderful drug. It awakens the utility boner. No longing for sex, no arousal. I don’t need these feelings here in jail. All I need is my Cialis fueled boner, which I will shake vigorously at the other prisoners to ward them off. Hey, that’s use #4 on my list. This stuff is great!

TO THE GUY AT RED ROBINS: I think we may have had a connection. I was sitting in the middle of the dining area and you were in a booth. You were with a woman who I think may have been your date/girlfriend. But your eyes kept meeting mine and I could tell there was definitely an attraction. You left before I did, but not before pausing briefly in front of my table for me to feel our mutual chemistry very strongly. I think you felt it too. After you left I took the leftover fries on your plate and I ate them. They tasted good. Then I took the money you left for the waiter and I spent it on Robson Street, very carelessly. I bought some nice things that make me think of you.

After over 800 years of living under Mongol and Chinese rule and
oppression, the Kingdom of Tibet was finally set free today after the
creation of a ‘Free Tibet’ Facebook group by 14 year old Tyler Simmons of Thunder Bay, Ontario.

“We had no idea people in Canada felt this way, or that the people of Tibet were unhappy,” states Hu Jintao, president of the People’s Republic of China. “After changing my status this morning and poking Kim Jong Il, I noticed he had joined this “Free Tibet” group. I only had to glance at a page
or two of members before I realized
what we were doing was completely
and totally wrong. What were we thinking?”

Hu Jintao began muttering “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” and smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand for a good ten minutes, until a guard suggested we wait in the hall until he finished.

The membership of the ‘Free Tibet’ group climbed to over 2000 yesterday, creating a massive forum of heated political activism.

“Tibet shuld really B let go,” writes Landon Reynolds on the group’s wall, shortly after trivializing the holocaust for the third time today with the creation of his new group ‘ED STILMACH = HITLER’. “After theuy had teh sunami and evarthing tehy shud be aloud 2 be free!”

Group creator Tyler Simmons remains humble regarding his contribution to the people of Tibet.

“I dunno,” says Tyler, anxiously glancing back and forth between his current game of Team Fortress 2. “We did some report on Tibet and I found out it was oppressed and stuff, and I heard about some burning monk that got burnt up because he thought Tibet should be free, so I made the group.”

As Tyler turned back to his game the ghost of Thích Quảng Đức appeared in the room to remind him that he was actually Vietnamese, but became visibly upset when Tyler ignored him and selected the Pyro class for the next game. Thích made a strange gesture that somehow came across as “No comment”, before quickly returning to haunt the Lee Garden restaurant down the street.

People around the world are celebrating the success of the Facebook group by creating more Facebook groups.

“It’s so fantastic that we managed to make a difference!” writes Jessica Stevens, who recently ended the crisis in Darfur with the creation of her group ‘JOIN IF U THINK JENNICIDE IZ GAY’. “It’s so awesome that a site like Facebook exists! We’re finally able to support those in need without actually having to do anything!”

In a move that has shocked celebrity pundits and specialists in multi-variate calculus alike, 17th Century intellectual Gottfried Leibniz has eclipsed James Dean as People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’ in their annual issue. Although perhaps most famous for independently co-inventing calculus with Sir Isaac Newton, Leibniz was also known for his sculpted facial features and rippling pecks.

“Just because photography wasn’t invented during his lifetime does not mean that he should be disqualified,” explains People editor Grease Monkey. “His hotness is legendary — his ability to create mathematical notation and syntax that continues to this day is especially yummable!”

Fans of James Dean simply cannot believe the outcome — this is an award that the ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ has shared for each of the last 26 years with WWI President Woodrow Wilson.

Dean Fan Club President Jimminy Cricket was especially enraged: “Look, we’re talking about a man here, Leibniz, whose grave went unmarked for 50 years. The dude was like 70 when he died, all old and stuff. Check out James Dean; he lived fast and left a good looking corpse. Assuming the formaldehyde held out, I’m sure there are still people who’d like a piece of him.”

When asked if eulogizing the celebrities of yesteryear accomplished anything other than filling truly unremarkable people’s brains with further useless matter, Monkey shot back, “what’s the difference between that and what we normally do?”

The top 10 Sexiest Dead Men were as follows:

1. Gottfried Leibniz
2. James Dean
3. President Woodrow Wilson
4. Tsar Peter the Great
5. The Right Honourable John Diefenbaker
6. Odysseus
7. Field Marshall Irwin Rommel
8. Rasputin
9. John Locke
10. Jamphel Gyatso, the 8th Dalai Lama

Top 10 reason why I wish I was a man:
(this list is endless, but I’ve narrowed it down to ten, because top 10 lists are great)

1. Less sex: Sex would be less attainable for me. I wouldn’t be able to have it whenever, however, wherever, and with whomever I want, and that would be refreshing. It gets exhausting after a while, especially when you get called a slut all the time. Plus there’s no challenge.

2. I wouldn’t be expected to be “bare foot and pregnant”: Who wants to be barefoot and pregnant when you can be shoed and working in a suit or coveralls? I don’t want to be in a house all day, left to my own devices and TV and internet service my husband is paying for; especially when I am pregnant and can’t do much but sit around or go to yoga or eat.

3. I wouldn’t ALWAYS know that the baby is mine: It would be kind of cool if, once in a while, I could have the hope of maybe the kid’s not mine, you know? A little chance at some hope of forever freedom. I guess it would be nice to have the guarantee if you’re married to a slut like me and there’s a good chance the kid you’re raising and spending your money on isn’t yours; but in most cases, I think I’d rather have that element of “maybe.”

4. I wouldn’t be a misogynist: I have a real love hate relationship with bitches. I love myself but I hate other bitches. I feel like if I was a man, there would be no chance of that, as I would be appreciating women for their their beauty and baby making ability and what they can do for me sexually.

5. I wouldn’t have a smelly vagina: I would have smelly balls, and those are easier to wash.

6. Size wouldn’t matter: We all know that breast size matters and penis size doesn’t. That’s the way it’s always been and that is the way it will always be. If penis size mattered, there would be a cure for small dick by now. And currently, there’s nothing but the promise of one more inch and an empty bottle of penis pills with ejaculation on it. But who gives a fuck anyway? Nobody’s measuring. The room is dark.

7. I would always have an orgasm: Male orgasm = ejaculation = baby. Female orgasm = pointless, which is why we never have them. If I was a male I wouldn’t have to cry into my pillow after every sexual encounter.

8. I wouldn’t have to stay a virgin till I’m married: It’s hard being a slut like me and keeping your hymen intact. It takes a lot of work and a lot of hymen stretches. I just hope I bleed on my wedding night, that is my biggest anxiety.

9. I could never truly be raped: Every woman has the fear of rape somewhere in the back of her mind. If I was a guy, rape could never ever ever ever ever ever ever happen to me. By a female.

10. I would be funny! And smart. And I’d have a high metabolism.

This week, Romania stepped out of the other category to pick up the number three spot for percentage of CCD users at a whopping 1.4% based on stats compiled by Alexa.com. Lets get to know our new friends.

According to the worlds most accurate source of information, Wikipedia, Romania is located in south, east, central Europe.

Not all Romanians are vampires. Transylvania did not become a territory of Romania until after world war II, (the best war ever). The vampire population is relativity small, maintaining a delicate balance with it’s food source which is comprised of Goths, Huns, Gypsies and Communists.

Romanian’s largest imports are forestry and agricultural equipment. Their exports are wooden stakes, weaponized garlic, Olympic gymnasts and UV flashlights.

Romania’s influences on North American culture are . . . subtle.

What do we have to thank Romania for? Tony Roma’s and my second favorite type of lettuce. Go iceberg or go home.

With the race for the Democratic Party nomination winding down, I must admit that I have more than a passing interest in the way everything shakes down.  I have been caught up in an Obamanon, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  He’s like a younger, taller, less-jailed Nelson Mandela.

So with the results from Indiana and North Carolina all but making the resolution of this race certain, there are calls to finally put this dead cat to sleep.  There are certain things keeping it alive, of course.  First and foremost being Crazy Hillary Clinton, whose emphatic pointing gestures and crazy eyeballs are scaring children across the Western World.  She’s like the last person on the planet who thought Doritos didn’t taste good — a total fucking moron.

So who can save this train-wreck from checking into Kansas (*made up folksy-phrasing alert*)?  Let’s look at which people can break their neutrality to gently cajole ‘Hill’ onto a path of rational thought:

1. Al Gore - the man who served under her husband for 8 years could make a surprise endorsement
2. Nancy Pelosi - the speaker of the House has maintained neutrality throughout.  She reminds me of a baby elephant trying to not get eaten by cougars.
3. Harry Reid - the Senate majority leader, and as soft-spoken as Bill Cosby’s dad.  Get some balls!
4. The Green Giant - no one eats vegetables anymore you proud son of a bitch!
5. Dale Earnhardt - good thing he’s DEAD.  Nice going.
6. Oprah’s Best Friend - what’s her name, Gayle?  Anyways, since Oprah’s already endorsed, the only authority left is in her left ovary.
7. Chef Ramsay - Get out of the race you fucking twat!  Take off your apron before I bite the head off a Glow-Worm!  Done deal.
8. ‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund - This guy remained neutral during Hogan v Andre The Giant.  Enough freaking said.
9. Master Splinter - Do, or do not… there is no try.  He said that, right?  God Damned Ooze!
10. Bill Clinton - I don’t trust a man until he’s washed his dick in a sink.

And that’s pretty much it.  If the Democrats fail to consolidate their party’s support, they could lose the election for Obama.  The time is now for one of these power-brokers to step forward and take charge.

Progressive tenses are used to indicate that an activity is, was, or will be in progress at a given time. They are not used exclusively to indicate activities of a politically forward-looking nature:

The government is promoting the establishment of separate schools for different ethnic groups so that they can do math word problems with culture-specific references, such as “If a train carrying 300 samosas travels at a rate of 200 km/hr…”

The present progressive is used because the activity started at some point in the past and will continue to some point in the future, not because establishing such schools is “forward-thinking.” In this case the given time is right now.

In the past, the sense of an activity being in progress at a given time is the same:

At 9:00 last night Mr. B was licking the ram’s sack.

The licking of the ram’s sack began sometime before 9:00 and continued to some time after 9:00. This activity may, in fact, continue to the present time, but this is mere conjecture and a call to Mr. B might confirm the fact.

In the future, the rule is the same:

Tomorrow evening at 6:00 pm PT the Penguins will be kicking the Flyers’ collective ass.

Here we understand that the ass-kicking will begin before 6:00 pm PT and continue after this time. This sentence presents a non-grammatical problem for my cousin, who has been betting on Team Lazarus since the beginning of the playoffs.

Note 1: Sometimes the present progressive is used to indicate specific planned activities in the future, but not future activities that can not be guaranteed with any degree of certainty. Thus we can say:

I can’t pick up the meth for you tomorrow afternoon because I’m getting my back waxed.

But not:

Next week Peter Mansbridge is suffering from a terrible bout of diarrhea.

Note 2: Most verbs that indicate a state, emotion or belief are not normally used in progressive tense. Thus we do not normally say:

I am believing that grammar should be reintroduced into the language arts curriculum because the current emphasis on creativity and self-expression has created a generation of people whose confidence level correlates poorly with their skill level.

Informally, however, we may break this rule for emphasis, as in:

I am totally loving thish Red Bull and Shambuca.