Feeling a little blue? Studies have shown that nothing feels better then unmercifully destroying someone at something they couldn’t possibly have won. I have compiled a list of activities at which you can not lose.
- Have a snowball fight with someone who is actually from Vancouver - These people are hard to find but I promise they are terrible. They can’t pack properly, they don’t know how to stockpile and they are usually immobile on the ground complaining about how cold their hands are within 18 seconds. It’s WMBA vs. the Harlem Globe Trotters.
- Take candy from a baby - If you can get past the cliche’ then happiness will abound. FACT: Babies got no skillz. FACT: You are bigger then a baby. QUESTIONABLE: Babies have no right being happier then you. NONSENSE: Spank and tickle tornadoes while Penny Marshall 7-11s. WARNING: If the source of your depression is self image or diet related then candy taking can become habit forming and not very helpful.
- Piss on an ant hill - Feel large, menacing and relieved all at the same time. Pissing on something is the ultimate expression of dominance because it’s humiliating and gross. Now it is true that ants have no concept of humiliation, grossosicity, or free market economies but the point is that YOU know how humiliated, disgusted and poor those ant’s should feel.
- Play Uno against blind orphans and cheat - If you don’t want to cheat you can substitute Old Maid for Uno and probably do ok.
- Make unfounded accusations about topical celebrities on the internet - Paris Hilton is a Nazi cannibal, Republican sex offender, Amway rep of Dutch decent. See, doesn’t that feel better?
Tags: babies, candy from a baby, paris hilton, self esteem, self help, skillz, snowball, uno, vancouver
April 21st, 2008 at 11:33 am
As a note to women, you may want to add to make sure the ants you are pissing on are not fire ants, as you will obviously be squatting very close to the ant hill as you’re pissing on it.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I have been told that women can use a spoon to pee standing up. Is this true? Could be a valuable safety tip.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
The peeing spoon was in fact designed specifically for the purpose of urinating on things that are smaller than you as a means of dominance — ant hills, small dogs, etc. It is not recommended for women to attempt to pee on things that are larger than them, because the peeing spoon does not come equipped with the balls that may be necessary to defend oneself.