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Ukraine makes 100

It was an especially proud day in the Ukraine. Today it was tallied that exactly 100 black people are now officially living in the Ukraine. The 100th black person was spotted in line at a cafeteria in downtown Kiev. Completely unaware of his pending significance, the Blackman stood inline for perogies, as people crowded around. Many onlookers got onto their cell phones to take pictures and others, to call the officials.

When asked how he felt about being number 100, the new Blackman, Jerome Jackson, originally from Texas, stated, “ It was a nice welcome. Ukraine is always happy to welcome outcasts from the rest of the World since they know what it’s like, first hand, to be the underdogs. ”

The last black person counted for in the Ukraine was, Talika Jones, 35, who moved to Ukraine back in 2005. A new black person hadn’t been spotted since, but, fret no more, Ukraine, you’ve made it to 100, yo.

Now with all the black people in Ukraine, Russia is reported to be a bit more “intimidated,” after the Country was informed of the new Black man in Keiv. “Maybe Russia will stop cutting off our energy and gas supply and stealing all of our athletes for their Olympic team for Vancouver 2010, ” commented Olesia Fodchuk, a popular news reporter. All Ukrainian people have to say is, “keep the black people coming. For once, finally, we are feared.”

Top Ten reasons why Canada still has a small population.

10 – As soon as they hear about Regina, all of the Christian immigrants turn around.

9 – All of the cool people leave, ei Celine Dion, Avril Levine, Michael Buble… No no no, those artist still live here, I’m saying the cool people leave because of them. Hahaha because of them.

8 – People are still convinced we live in igloos. And if Global Warming is true, we are fucked. I know I spent many hours building my igloo and skinning a bear for my jacket, so I’m a bit pissed about Global Warming. All of those hours….

7 – Our big brother (America) takes all of the chicks.

6 – Sure the beaver might be on the coin, but the kind of beavers you guys are all thinking about, costs too much coin.

5 – Not everybody can pull off plaid.

4 – It’s multicultural, and I know there are still lots of rascists out there. Well, obviously.

3 – Canadian Television. Even when I get really high and baked, it’s still dumb. Basically, I’m very embarrassed by it.

2 – No nap time. You know, it’s cold. And it takes up a lot of my energy to keep warm. Who doesn’t like naps? The Canadian Government, that’s who.

1 – and the #1 reason why nobody moves to Canada is : something about the Government not letting people in. Maybe because of inflation or no jobs? I just threw that out there. But They have some law that keeps people outta Canada even though like Japan and Iran are like building upwards and it’s getting ridiculous and people are dying because lack of space and heat and desease, and places like Saskatoon have like 30 people. Isn’t there still a radiation problem in Chernobyl? Those people need help. And don’t get me started about the Africans. Let’s not even go there. And what with World Vision being like 98% profit, will those Africans ever be fed?

Maybe the real problem has to do with birth control and that’s something the Government should take care of when the baby is in the womb….. like home abortion kits or something. Maybe if there wasn’t a war on drugs, and if all of us did cocaine or meth or heroin, that would kill the baby, or make a lot of us infertile. And well, kill some of us off in our latter years.

Maybe the government wants over population. And then one day BOOM! The Illuminate will kill us all and that will be totally baddass on their part.

But, for now, I do like my fresh air and space, so, lock up them doors, Jean Chrietian… or whoever is in “power” right now, I like my job and I like my disease free body. No time to heal the world Michael Jackson. I guess there is no time.

Language is the defining characteristic of any significant culture. Eskimo’s have over 100 different words for snow and snow isn’t that varied or interesting. The English language has served us well but has simply failed to evolve a proper, nuanced nomenclature for pubic hair. There are hints dropped in Aristotle’s Poetics that the Greeks defined such a lexicon but all traces of it were lost through the dark ages or destroyed by an unimaginative papacy who couldn’t find a way to work pubes in to the first Corinthians. And for some 2000 years no one talked about pubes. It’s not that they didn’t want to, believe me they wanted to. Short or long, breathtaking or heinous, original or BBQ, no longer will pubes stay shrouded in ignorance and darkness. Well ok, they will still be shrouded in darkness.

I first noticed the linguistic deficiency while sitting down with some friends over a nice bottle of merlot. The evening’s discourse turned to pubic hair and the conversation ground to a halt as we found that the clunky, unspecific English language did not contain the proper descriptive nouns to efficiently articulate our dialogue. Frustrated at not being able to get my point across I called the police on my guests, turned off the lights and took the bottle to bed. The wine disappeared before sleep found me, all in all a typical Saturday night, but the short comings of my native tongue still haunted me. Before long I found myself at the computer defining and naming all the different types of genital growth. The following terms and definitions are a sort of vocabulary tool box which will provide a standard for casual conversation and academic discussion of pubic hair.

All Seasons (masculine, feminine)

The most common bush, clean and trimmed to length with the number two clipper guard. As the name suggests the All Seasons is relatively cool in the summer and adequately warm through the winter months. It’s safe for sport applications and is unlikely to offend anyone who may find their face in contact with your crotch.

Pelt (feminine)
This bush is double wide and sometimes grows all the way up to the waist line. You can often catch a glimpse of a pelt sticking out the sides of a bathing suit at your local beach or swimming pool.

Gear Shifter (masculine)
Sporty and smooth for super fast strokes, your package has been shaved clean with a razor. Preferred by many the Gear Shifter is best if your favorite boner bobber is phobic of fur. CAUTION: Returning growth may cause itching.

Yarmulke (feminine)
Fully waxed or shaved the Yarmulke is growing in popularity. It cuts down on odors and eliminates the problem of taco to mouth hair transference. The Yarmulke negates most objections to conducting cunalingus.

Jackson 5 (masculine), Disco (feminine)
Maybe you were born in the back of a Volkswagen bus or maybe you just don’t care. Either way the hair below your belt is riding high. It’s clean but is still considered a turn off by many people. On the up side your significant other will save a fortune on dental floss.

Muskeg (masculine), Moss (feminine)
You’re trimmed up but haven’t seen your shower for a few days. Damp + warm = keep that smelly thing away from me.

Jumanji (masculine), Ferngully (feminine)
Your genitals are hiding in a dense, smelly tangle of foliage. Upon exploration you may find lions and tigers and bears or a tiny magical kingdom. Shampoo and conditioner will help to tame your wild frontier.

Scruff
Patchy and falling out this is a post Chemo bush which will soon be a Gear Shifter or a Yarmulke.

Spinities (masculine)
These hairs grow off your carpet bag. Use a razor to remove and DO NOT under any circumstances try to pluck. Trust me on that one.

Mohawk (feminine)
A small tuft of hair hanging off your vajayjay.

Adrifters
These pubes have escaped and are using your bar of soap for a life raft.

Judas
You’ll give them their freedom then they’ll stick in the drain and plug up your shower. Then they will sell you out to the Romans or your roommates.

Expatriates
Tired of the drudgery of day to day crotch life these hairs opt to jump ship and colonize the toilet seat. WARNING: The Expatriate can be incriminating if you’re in the middle in the middle of a B&E and suddenly get the urge to drop a duce.

BBQ
The BBQ is not a naturally occurring phenomenon. I am not going to explain it but you’re best chance of getting or encountering one is by getting your date drunk at Tony Roma’s.

Eeeeeeeee
These are the pubes caught in a zipper. The name is also the sound you will make. Eeeeeeeeees are one of the best arguments against going commando.