Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

When I meet people on the street, they often axe me for money, and sometimes where to score some meth. Just once, I wish one of these strangers would inquire about that heart-wrenching ballad that I had lovingly crafted one lunch break. You know, the duet based on titles of movies by Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme.

*Soft piano music and a mournful saxophone start to play*

(Steven)
Woke up this mornin’ and I saw the Black Dawn
Then, I looked at my watch, it was Half Past Dead
Had to make an Executive Decision
To Get my ass out of bed.

You left my heart Van Dammaged,
Still got my Exit Wounds.
Right now, I stand On Deadly Ground
By the hedges that we pruned.

(Jean-Claude)
C’mon, baby when we got together,
You knew they’d be Maximum Risk
You were always a Hard Target
But you made me seafood Bisque.

But you were always giving The Orders
Like I was your Second in Command
You had left me with Nowhere to Run
- A Sudden Death that you had planned

(Chorus -Both)
Were those feelings just a Knock Off?
Was our love another Replicant?
I’d be your Universial Soldier
It wouldn’t matter where we went

My heart was Under Siege to you,
Our love was Marked for Death
Your soul will still be Out of Reach
Until your final breath.

(Steven)
I thought we were Above the Law,
That our love was Hard to Kill.
After dinner, I thought we’d go Out for Justice,
Now I know we never will.

(Jean-Claude)
Our love was an Inferno
Until it got Derailed
just like when we Double Teamed that Cyborg
We tried hard now, but we failed.

I went on a Quest to save our lives
We had one shot, we couldn’t miss.
Our lives were like a Bloodsport
Signed my Death Warrant with your kiss

(Steven)
When I looked into your eyes,
I felt a Fire Down Below.
I’m not sure if you felt it then,
If you did, it didn’t show.

(Jean-Claude)
Now, my Lionheart is Breakin’
I miss the Double Impact of your touch
The hardest i’ve done is leave you
I left my house keys on the hutch.

(Chorus - Both)
Were those feelings just a Knock Off?
Was our love another Replicant?
I’d be your Universial Soldier
It wouldn’t matter where we went

My heart was Under Siege to you,
Our love was Marked for Death
Your soul will still be Out of Reach
Until your final breath.

Here is why everyday should be 4 20 here in Vancouver

#1 - Crime rate was down 45% in Surrey
#2 - Most of Surrey was downtown, and eating hot dogs, not playing with knives
#3 - 7 11 was more popular than Starbucks, making the Illuminate coffee’s sales go down by 20%
#4 - I saw so many smiles. So many smiles. And smiling is the best. It heals cancer.
#5 - This year, 4 20 happened to be on a Sunday… “God’s” day. Coincidence? Or is God telling us to smoke more weed, cause that will save the environment, lessen our egos and feed the Africans.
#6 - Love man. That’s what happens when we relax. Love happens. Because in relaxation, we appreciate things like waves in the ocean, and having hands, and birds churping, alright. Air, alright. I love air. It’s awesome. Breathing is dynomite.

and the last reason, I feel, why 4 20 should be everyday, is

Because.

Ukraine makes 100

It was an especially proud day in the Ukraine. Today it was tallied that exactly 100 black people are now officially living in the Ukraine. The 100th black person was spotted in line at a cafeteria in downtown Kiev. Completely unaware of his pending significance, the Blackman stood inline for perogies, as people crowded around. Many onlookers got onto their cell phones to take pictures and others, to call the officials.

When asked how he felt about being number 100, the new Blackman, Jerome Jackson, originally from Texas, stated, “ It was a nice welcome. Ukraine is always happy to welcome outcasts from the rest of the World since they know what it’s like, first hand, to be the underdogs. ”

The last black person counted for in the Ukraine was, Talika Jones, 35, who moved to Ukraine back in 2005. A new black person hadn’t been spotted since, but, fret no more, Ukraine, you’ve made it to 100, yo.

Now with all the black people in Ukraine, Russia is reported to be a bit more “intimidated,” after the Country was informed of the new Black man in Keiv. “Maybe Russia will stop cutting off our energy and gas supply and stealing all of our athletes for their Olympic team for Vancouver 2010, ” commented Olesia Fodchuk, a popular news reporter. All Ukrainian people have to say is, “keep the black people coming. For once, finally, we are feared.”