Last Wednesday at the Vancouver zoo someone broke in to the monkey enclosure and senselessly slaughtered a male spider monkey, Jocko, and “kidnapped” a female, Mia.
Now let me begin by saying that I love monkeys. I love all animals. But, and I don’t mean to shock anyone, I don’t love them as much as I love humans. I don’t think they should be able to vote, to hold jobs (although the service sector might benefit from a few in front-counter positions), to smoke, nor to drive. And I don’t feel like the limb I’m on is in danger of breaking.
Our local free “newspaper” ran the caption: “Jocko will be remembered as a friend, entertainer and ‘little ladies’ man” by his zoo friends.
Reminder 1: It’s a monkey. I honestly don’t think anyone ever rang him up when they had emotional troubles, needed a bit of cash until payday, or wanted a wingman on a Friday night. Entertainer I can accept. But I don’t want to know anymore about his Cassanova proclivities with his zoo friends. And if that includes his keepers, I think there’s a lawsuit brewing.
A zoo manager delivered a eulogy in which she said “He gave 100 per cent of his love for everyone that passed by or cared for him. How lucky we are to be blessed with such a good friend.”
Reminder 2: It’s a frickin monkey.
Zoo employees are still worried about the missing Mia. Someone stated: “I’m sure she’s just devastated. You know, I just hope she comes home.”
Reminder 3: It’s a god-damned monkey. Do you think Mia catches snippets of the TV news while tied up in some dark basement waiting for the ransom? I don’t think I can ever say that I’m devastated about anything again. Not if monkeys can also be devastated.
Apparently a representative of the RCMP has stated “We’re still really hoping to get some better tips and some leads.”
Reminder 4: It… is… a… monkey. This article appears just below another story with this headline: SHOOTINGS KILL THREE, HURT TWO. Now I don’t subscribe to a notion of Tragic Relativism, by which a friend once argued that Hitler wasn’t so bad because Stalin killed nine million, but come on.
The Vancouver Sun included this in today’s story: “Mia has dark brown fur, with a light blond chest and steel-blue eyes. She has a long tail and stands about a half-metre tall. Anyone with information about the missing monkey is asked to contact the BC SPCA at 604-709-4670, or the zoo at 604-856-6825.”
Reminder 5: IT’S A MONKEY. If I see one running around downtown, or some guy wrestling a gagged monkey into a van, I’m going to call. Do we need a description to distinguish Mia from all the other flippin spider monkeys tooling around? What the hell? Oh, I saw a monkey, but I don’t think it was quite a half-metre tall, but I can’t be sure, and I didn’t get a good look at the eyes, and it was riding a bike and it had a courier bag, so it probably wasn’t Mia.
Forget Burma. Forget the fact that we have a minority government that acts like a majority. Forget the fact that an 8 square block of downtown has been declare a bio-hazard zone. Forget the earthquake in China. Just bring back Mia.
