Chomp. Chomp. Dead. The Online Comedy Community

When I meet people on the street, they often axe me for money, and sometimes where to score some meth. Just once, I wish one of these strangers would inquire about that heart-wrenching ballad that I had lovingly crafted one lunch break. You know, the duet based on titles of movies by Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme.

*Soft piano music and a mournful saxophone start to play*

(Steven)
Woke up this mornin’ and I saw the Black Dawn
Then, I looked at my watch, it was Half Past Dead
Had to make an Executive Decision
To Get my ass out of bed.

You left my heart Van Dammaged,
Still got my Exit Wounds.
Right now, I stand On Deadly Ground
By the hedges that we pruned.

(Jean-Claude)
C’mon, baby when we got together,
You knew they’d be Maximum Risk
You were always a Hard Target
But you made me seafood Bisque.

But you were always giving The Orders
Like I was your Second in Command
You had left me with Nowhere to Run
- A Sudden Death that you had planned

(Chorus -Both)
Were those feelings just a Knock Off?
Was our love another Replicant?
I’d be your Universial Soldier
It wouldn’t matter where we went

My heart was Under Siege to you,
Our love was Marked for Death
Your soul will still be Out of Reach
Until your final breath.

(Steven)
I thought we were Above the Law,
That our love was Hard to Kill.
After dinner, I thought we’d go Out for Justice,
Now I know we never will.

(Jean-Claude)
Our love was an Inferno
Until it got Derailed
just like when we Double Teamed that Cyborg
We tried hard now, but we failed.

I went on a Quest to save our lives
We had one shot, we couldn’t miss.
Our lives were like a Bloodsport
Signed my Death Warrant with your kiss

(Steven)
When I looked into your eyes,
I felt a Fire Down Below.
I’m not sure if you felt it then,
If you did, it didn’t show.

(Jean-Claude)
Now, my Lionheart is Breakin’
I miss the Double Impact of your touch
The hardest i’ve done is leave you
I left my house keys on the hutch.

(Chorus - Both)
Were those feelings just a Knock Off?
Was our love another Replicant?
I’d be your Universial Soldier
It wouldn’t matter where we went

My heart was Under Siege to you,
Our love was Marked for Death
Your soul will still be Out of Reach
Until your final breath.