Top 10 reason why I wish I was a man:
(this list is endless, but I’ve narrowed it down to ten, because top 10 lists are great)
1. Less sex: Sex would be less attainable for me. I wouldn’t be able to have it whenever, however, wherever, and with whomever I want, and that would be refreshing. It gets exhausting after a while, especially when you get called a slut all the time. Plus there’s no challenge.
2. I wouldn’t be expected to be “bare foot and pregnant”: Who wants to be barefoot and pregnant when you can be shoed and working in a suit or coveralls? I don’t want to be in a house all day, left to my own devices and TV and internet service my husband is paying for; especially when I am pregnant and can’t do much but sit around or go to yoga or eat.
3. I wouldn’t ALWAYS know that the baby is mine: It would be kind of cool if, once in a while, I could have the hope of maybe the kid’s not mine, you know? A little chance at some hope of forever freedom. I guess it would be nice to have the guarantee if you’re married to a slut like me and there’s a good chance the kid you’re raising and spending your money on isn’t yours; but in most cases, I think I’d rather have that element of “maybe.”
4. I wouldn’t be a misogynist: I have a real love hate relationship with bitches. I love myself but I hate other bitches. I feel like if I was a man, there would be no chance of that, as I would be appreciating women for their their beauty and baby making ability and what they can do for me sexually.
5. I wouldn’t have a smelly vagina: I would have smelly balls, and those are easier to wash.
6. Size wouldn’t matter: We all know that breast size matters and penis size doesn’t. That’s the way it’s always been and that is the way it will always be. If penis size mattered, there would be a cure for small dick by now. And currently, there’s nothing but the promise of one more inch and an empty bottle of penis pills with ejaculation on it. But who gives a fuck anyway? Nobody’s measuring. The room is dark.
7. I would always have an orgasm: Male orgasm = ejaculation = baby. Female orgasm = pointless, which is why we never have them. If I was a male I wouldn’t have to cry into my pillow after every sexual encounter.
8. I wouldn’t have to stay a virgin till I’m married: It’s hard being a slut like me and keeping your hymen intact. It takes a lot of work and a lot of hymen stretches. I just hope I bleed on my wedding night, that is my biggest anxiety.
9. I could never truly be raped: Every woman has the fear of rape somewhere in the back of her mind. If I was a guy, rape could never ever ever ever ever ever ever happen to me. By a female.
10. I would be funny! And smart. And I’d have a high metabolism.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Fuck Al. This is so good. I’m re-thinking my life as we speak. And we have it ruff, you and I, being female and Ukrainian.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Absotively brilliant. #6 is genius. Great piece.
Speaking as someone who enjoys washing his balls, that is.